Renewed Year

                                                                                    

                      

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from our house to yours!

There is so much that can be said as this year ends.  There are so many emotions and even more memories, not all that I'd really like to relive.  Last year on this day it was nothing less than sheer will power to put on a happy face for our children.  It was awfully hard to ring in a New Year when we knew what was coming, especially as our sweet little boy lay on a couch as a recent loss of function signaled the end was drawing ever nearer.  This New Year's celebration has its mixed feelings as well.  Our lives are moving on and our Grant is a memory; one we will treasure, but a memory none-the-less.  That is a very hard pill for me to swallow.  There are phases to grief.  I am convinced this is God's protection so our heart doesn't experience its crushing weight all at once.  It couldn't bear it.  And you, my dear friends, have helped with that as well.  Those of you who have prayed for us, served us, written us, held up our arms when we couldn't do it ourselves anymore; these things are the definition of what it means to bear one another's burdens.  And we thank you.
The mother and very human part of me is mad.  I don't want to move on.  My heart is still broken.  Sometimes I really want to stomp my foot and just scream.  Very grown up, I know!  I miss him so much it hurts.  I want roly polies in my laundry, all the rocks in my landscaping flipped over because someone was looking for snakes.  I want dirty fingerprints everywhere and dirt on the carpet because he was digging a hole in the field for no reason.  I want to hear his laugh.  He is part of us and both of us have said that part of us died on Feb. 6th, 2009 as well.  But even in that there is hope.  And I tell you without that, neither one of us could get out of bed each day.  There would be no point.  The hope is that this world, and all that happens while we are on it, are not IT.  I've said it before but we daily have to remind ourselves of it.  Jesus came to redeem what went wrong so that we could have a future worth living for; eternity with Him.  Some may say this is not enough to make them yearn for heaven.  I understand this.  I may have once thought it.  The Bible says in James 1:17 that, "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."  He is the same yesterday, today and forever.  Everything that we associate with good, goodness, or good feelings, come from God.  That feeling we get after a really fun day with friends or family, the satisfaction of a job well done or an award won, the warm fuzzy feeling we get when we are appreciated, loved, admired or remembered.  He is the author of those.  He created the world in which they exist, the things we love to look at; the beauty of spring, the majestic mountains, the deep blue ocean, a starry night, and the glowing sunset.  It's all His handiwork.  Even the fulfillment we seek in things in this world that are rarely profitable,  that need for fulfillment and satisfaction and completeness, that good feeling that begs to be chased;  it's Creator is also God.  He is the definition of good.  It is His character, His very nature.  That need we have for goodness and fulfillment in our lives was made BY Him and can only be found IN Him.  And heaven is a lifetime of that very thing!  Never wanting, never needing,  a continual fulfillment and satisfaction, and a true completeness, which is only found in His presence and will be made perfect and unending only in heaven because He is there.  That's IT.  This is why no matter how mad I get, no matter how sad I am at times, no matter how much my heart aches, because it does, I, we, still love Him.  I owe Him my everything.   I could not hold up my end of His covenant because I could not be good enough, so He sent Jesus as my ransom.  He didn't have to, He was not obligated to.  He just wanted to, because He loved me . . . and you.  This does not change the circumstances of this temporary world in that there is still sickness, death, meanness, trials and pain.  But, it changes the outcome.  And while we are waiting, we are not alone, and that presence that we will experience one day in total completeness in heaven, we can now experience, in part, on earth because He resides in us when we surrender our lives to Him.  And in that there is comfort too.  Grant is with God in His presence.  I saw Grant leave this world.  I saw his face, I heard him laugh and he was happy.  God told Grant 3 1/2 months before he left this world that he was going to die.  It was a moment in time I will never forget.  We were traveling to Texas from Kentucky because we needed to check on some things at the farm and Grant really wanted to visit.  Traveling was so difficult for him, especially then because we didn't have much we could give him in the way of pain relief.  I would really have liked to smack some of his doctors at that point, but that's another story.  We were half way there and had stopped in the hotel for the night.  Grant was lying in bed and arching his back and screaming, "I'm hospital sick!  Take me to the hospital.  I am dying.  Quick!"  He hated hospitals at this point and doctors even more so this was something that he was saying this.  I am not sure that I cannot adequately convey to you the helplessness I felt in that moment, nor the sheer torture that it is to watch your child suffer.  Poor Shawn, as a physician, this was one of his worst moments of desperation.  We were both crying and then we had to do the unthinkable; we had to tell him that there was nothing that could be done even if we took him to a hospital because this sickness couldn't be fixed.  I will never forget the look on his face.  We had failed him as parents.  He was hurting and there was nothing we could do to help him.  We'd given him everything we had.  So we did the only thing we could do.  We cried out to the God Most High.  And He delivered.  We claimed every promise we knew that the Bible offered.  We prayed God's character qualities from our list and asked Him to show Himself to Grant because He had promised in His Word He was those things.  And in the middle of our pleas of desperation, Grant held up his hand and said, "Stop, God is talking to me."  A dead silence fell over that hotel room as Shawn and I, through tears, watched him.  His little eyes were tightly closed and he was nodding and through tears of his own saying, "mm, uh" in agreement and responding as though someone was right there in the room talking to him.  Then after a couple minutes he opened his eyes and looked at us.  I asked him what God had said to him.  He replied, "He said I'm going to die very soon.  He said He is sending His angels to me and to not be afraid and that He is holding me in His mighty arms."  
I am not sure how to fully express to you the emotion of that moment, but I was comforted, scared, devastated and incredibly humbled all at once.  From that day on Grant was never the same and Grant's God delivered on His every promise to him on that October day.  Around this time last year those angels came.  They were his constant companions until his death.  Thanks to Make-A-Wish, and their gift of a communication machine, he was able to tell us a little about what he was seeing.  It will forever be etched in my memory.  Although it was not until after he died that I caught a glimpse into what God had really done for him.  Grant was describing to us one day what he was seeing.  He kept asking me to add colors to his machine.  He started pushing blue, purple, etc. and used up all the buttons and kept signing "more."  I asked, "More colors?"  He nodded yes.  I asked if he was seeing angels.  He shook his head no.  I asked what it was, but I could not understand his answer.  I ask how big it was.  He was moving his hands all around.  I asked if it was bigger than he could describe and he said yes.  I didn't know what he was seeing at that time, but I remember crying because of the look on his face.  It must have been something to behold.  A few weeks after he died, we were sitting in church one night & our pastor was talking about the book of  Revelation and he began to describe the vision that John was retelling of the throne of God.  I almost leaped out of my chair.  I guess I had never paid attention to the details of that passage before.  But, instantaneously I knew.  I looked at Shawn and said, "That is it, that is what he saw, the throne of God.  He described it just like that."  Then I cried.  I do that a lot now.  I was overwhelmed.  It was real!  I knew in my heart it was real, but now I KNEW it was real.  He saw it and He is there with Jesus. 
 And because Jesus is in me and Grant is with Him, Grant is also with me.  I cannot hug him any longer but he is there right in my heart.  And One day because of what Jesus accomplished on the cross, I CAN hug my Grant again.  This is huge!  It doesn't get any huger--if that's even a word!  The future is good even if this new year holds more sorrow.  We still cry and grief is not yet complete, but there is hope!  

Happy New Year to you!

A Little Christmas Fun!

Gingerbread Village.  Family Tradition. Very competitive and very fun!

The farm (well, part of it) and the beautiful blue Texas sky.  Oh, how I have missed it!

On The Road Again!

We are moving AGAIN!  We are officially without a home at this moment, but not for long.  We arrived in Lee's Summit, MO on the 31st of October after a long drive, awaiting the call from the moving people to tell us when our stuff will arrive in Texas.  Then we're off to meet them and start things there.  Craziness!

Lee's Summit is my(Emily) home town so it has been lovely to be here with my grandma and hopefully will get to see a few friends during our stay here as well.

We arrived mostly uneventfully, but we slightly resemble the Beverly Hillbillies as we're driving in a caravan of 3 cars (because my parent's are helping us and have their car as well) holding 4 adults, 2 kids, 2 dogs, 1 ferret and a bearded dragon, plus mom & dad's dog, Buck.  All we need is a rocking chair tied to our roof and we'd be official.  I was so exhausted from the week of getting everything together that I didn't think I could safely drive to our destination the first night.  We didn't arrive until 2 a.m.!  So my mom drove in the dark in the mountains and in the rain over some very big bridges in a car all by herself.  If you added in a snake somewhere in that equation, you'd pretty much have her every phobia imaginable.  But, she did it and we even went the speed limit most of the time!  Yeah, mom!  Unloading into the hotel was comical in retrospect as we unloaded every person, suitcase, animal, cage, lights for the lizard, & cleaning supplies (because our dogs don't always make it to the paper).  If we are going to be vagabonds, we much pare down our baggage!

We arrived in Lee's Summit just in time for Halloween, and because Pikeville never celebrates Halloween on the actual day, the kids enjoyed two nights of trick or treating and handing out candy.  They were in heaven!  Now we are just resting and recouping to ready ourselves for the fun part--the unpacking.  This Halloween did not  pass however without remembering our last.  On that day last year Grant was enrolled in Hospice and the journey that was watching him die, kicked up a notch.  Although there are many times I miss him so badly I almost cannot breathe, I just kept reminding myself that day that this year, my little cowboy wasn't about to die, but he is now truly living as God had always intended him to!  Praise the Lord for hope!

I Corinthians 15:55
"But when this perishable will have put on the imperishable, and this mortal will have put on immortality, then will come about the saying that is written, 'Death is swallowed up in victory.'  Oh, death where is your victory?   Oh death, where is your sting?"

Regrets

"I should've been nicer to him." Jackson blurted this out one day last week as we sat down to lunch. He then very thoughtfully, not franticly said, "You told me I may not always have him around, but I didn't think it would really happen. But, it did. I should've been nicer."

Isn't that how it always is? In the light of hindsight, our correct course of action seems so clear. His thoughtfulness and sincerity were quite real; much beyond his age. He had obviously been dwelling on this for quite some time. My heart broke for him on so many levels. Every mother knows that when your child hurts, so do you. I didn't want him to hurt, especially when it was not totally within my power to fix this hurt, and further I hurt for him on a personal level for I, too, know the pain of regret. I have many times said, I should've reacted differently, I should've let Grant do this or that, I should've never left his side, even for a moment.



After a big sigh and holding back floods of tears for him and for me, I said, "Well, there are two lessons to take from this. One, it reminds us to capture our words before the exit our mouths. It is sometimes most difficult to do with those that we love the most because we see them all the time. But as we know, that may not always be the case. Second, we don't have to beat ourselves up because the real truth is that Grant doesn't care. He is not sitting in heaven missing us or ruminating about how we wronged him. He has been made perfect and is in God's presence and the only thing he is thinking is, 'This is amazing! I sure can't wait until my brother gets here!' A big smile came across his face and he went back to what he was doing.

I would say on most days I feel massively ill-equipped to deal with the hand I've been dealt. But, that is where God steps in and fills my gaps. He has never left my side during this torrential year and He promises He never will!

Our blog

This entry will be a quicky! This blog is a continuation of what was begun on caringbridge during our youngest son's illness. In it will simply be the happenings, both good and bad, as well as what we are learning as events unfold. Sometimes they may be silly and sometimes more meaningful. Thank you to those of you who read it and to those that have faithfully prayed for our family during this past year!

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
Ephesians 3:20-21

A Servant's Heart

It was 2 months ago today that our sweet Granty left the pain of this world for the glory of the next. Every time I see a picture of his face, I cry. How I miss kissing it each day.

We are leaving tonight to go to Shriner's Hospital. We are delivering donations made on his behalf. As we loaded that little wheel chair into our van without a passenger it was very bittersweet. Tomorrow should be a difficult day as we say goodbye to some of our last reminders of Grant and thank and hug all of the wonderful people who so lovingly cared for him this past year. They are such an amazing group of people. When I called the therapy department to tell them that Grant had died, they cried. They see thousands of kids there, yet they cried for mine. It was so kind. I have received cards since then from some of them just checking on us to see how we're doing. I just love them. And I know that they will be able to help many kids with the donations they'll be receiving.

We have learned so much during this past year and especially the past 2 months as people have so lovingly served us. I will never again not send a card because I don't exactly know what to say, bring over something--even if it's toilet paper--when someone loses someone, call and leave a message to let someone know I'm thinking of them, even though I know no one will answer the phone, go to a funeral if it is in my power to get there and the list goes on and on. Shawn remarked one day--"We are such bad friends!" People, many of whom I'd never even met, have gone out of their way to show kindness to us in many ways. Before Grant even stopped breathing, my fridge was stocked and we were filling up the 2nd one. It was unbelievable! There is a girl here whose husband works at the hospital that Shawn does--she was one of the first people I met when Shawn and I interviewed at Pikeville. She is possibly one of the kindest, most sacrificial people I've ever met. I don't think she has once been to my house that she has not shown up with food. She lent me dishes, sheets, blankets, air mattresses & all sorts of stuff when we moved into our house before my things arrived a month later. Grant was very sick then and I didn't exactly know what I was going to do. Without even asking, she just stepped in and brought pretty much everything I could ever need to run a house. When Grant died, she did many of the non-glorious jobs around my house. I couldn't look at Grant's toys lying there with no owner. We'd taken them all down and then we were too sad and left everything lying all over the room. She went and got totes from the store and lovingly boxed everything up. She packed all of the things for Grant's celebration in Kansas City. She cleaned out my car and took things to Good Will. I don't even think I said two words together to her that day. I was so overwhelmed. When we arrived back in Pikeville, there was a dinner waiting on my doorstep so I wouldn't have to cook my first night back. She's incredible! And although I consider her a dear friend, we really don't know each other that well. She is also the speech therapist that made the book for Grant before we got the communication machine. I am not sure what possesses someone so show such sacrificial kindness to another. She got no gain from helping me. Until today, most people probably don't even know that she did. That's how she is. She and the many people like her that have given of their time, money, resources and emotions to care for us, pray for us, & serve us these many months are the personification of non other than Christ Himself. For only He so willingly loves that sacrificially.

This week as we celebrate the Holy Week in remembrance of the time of Jesus' triumphal entry into Jerusalem until his sacrificial death and eventual resurrection has had me thinking a great deal. Last Easter Grant, Jackson, Elena & Shawn were in the Easter musical at church. Grant was so excited. I wish you could've seen him with his little hands lifted up to Jesus as he celebrated the resurrection and promise that Jesus would one day return to claim those that have put their trust in Him. It was precious. And yet, this Easter he is doing it for REAL! Oh, how I wish I could see it!! Y'all (see my Texan is still coming out!), He (God) is good. I know I've said it before, but I wish you could hear me say it in person. HE IS GOOD!! I think you all know, at least as much as people that are watching can know, that we are beyond devastated that Grant is gone. We cry everyday--everyday. We aren't sure how to do all this exactly. Some days we're good and some days for seemingly no reason at all, we're not. My arms ache to hold that little body. It is still surreal that he isn't coming back. I really cannot adequately describe the depth of our grief & the loss of happiness that we feel. But, even with all that, God is good. He didn't do this to us. He allowed it. But, His love for us is great. We are not in this deep pit alone. We owe Him so much more than we can ever give because of what He has done for us on that cross. He has never asked more of me than He so willingly hasn't already done Himself. And even without that, He alone is worthy!

May you have a blessed Easter and may you know the Love that so willingly gave Himself up for us all.

Matters of the heart

Well, it has been 7 weeks. I don't know what that's supposed to mean exactly, but there it is. As time has gone on the pain has increased in some ways and decreased in others. We are learning to function as a family of four--although this will not seem right for maybe ever, I imagine. I still look for him when I am gathering up "my chicks" when we're out somewhere and then I remember--I just have 2. The pain of this is intense and sometimes gets the best of me. Remembering is still quite painful--even the good things. They are all just vivid reminders that our "G-force" is no longer here and all memories of him will forevermore be in the past.

The kids are doing pretty well. There have been a few nightmares of the last few hours of Grant's life, moments of extreme sadness and difficulty in some stressful situations--all very normal for all that they have been through. We just take each day as it comes and because of home-schooling I have been able to work our days around the needs of the moment. Grief is funny and even funnier in children. It comes out in weird ways & at unexpected moments. Each of of them handles it in a different way. Although Shawn and I have remarked several times that we are so glad that Grant never had to experience a loss of anyone in our family. He couldn't have taken it. Grant often cried for people he'd never met that had died--and if anyone ever has ever said goodbye to him at the airport, you know the anguish he had over each departure. It was very good for the self-esteem! It was perfect though that he went ahead of us. He wasn't sad to leave. He told me he'd have a room for me in his mansion. That'll be just fine with me!

I will say letting him go was possibly the most difficult thing I (we) have ever done. (I am writing in the first person, but Shawn is sitting right beside me :) ) That most awful night for us, yet most glorious for Grant, was where our (as parents) true test of faith began. We knew he was going to die, but we had never really let our minds go there. When his body finally shut down and he took those last couple breaths, the most awful pain came over us and has not yet left to date. It is like a physical weight upon your chest. It is though our eyes had been opened to a world we had never seen before and there was no turning back. While he was in his final minutes, Shawn and I told him to let go, stop trying and run free. This was love-- because our hearts wanted him to stay here, but his freedom would only come with his departure. We kissed him about a thousand times and then it was time to do the thing I had dreaded for many months--we had to say our final goodbye. We had told him goodbye tons of times that day while he was still here, but it was now time to say goodbye to that sweet little shell that had housed his spirit for almost 9 years. I knew that it was just a shell, but I tell you, I loved that "shell." I had hugged it, kissed it, served it, loved it and cared for it all the days it was entrusted to me. There are some advantages of being in a small town--the undertaker or mortician happens to go to our church. He and his wife have served us many times up to this point and he had been in the church play with Elena and she adored him. The other kids were with friends at this point of the evening. We waited until late because Shawn's parents were driving in and we wanted them to say goodbye and also our neighborhood is full of kids that had lovingly prayed for Grant all these months and I didn't want them to see him leave our house. So anyway, our sweet friend came over in an SUV--I love that they have these now instead of a hearse. The grandmas and Shawn lovingly put on Grant's jammies. I couldn't do it. They put on his slippers and his hat that Shawn had knit him (I know, he can do anything :) ). We gave him his bunny and his blanket and Shawn was able to carry him out to the SUV. Our friend and his cousin very sweetly hid everything resembling a body bag and anything death like and they had the bed all ready for him. We kissed him again as we "tucked him in" one last time. He was still warm. I don't know why I remember that. Then Shawn ushered me off so that they could do what they had to do. And then, one of the many kindnesses showed to us on that night--our sweet friend told us that he would stay with Grant until he brought him back to us. We had decided to have Grant cremated. I just couldn't bear the thought of putting that sweet little body in the ground and leaving him there. I didn't really like the thought of cremation either, but it was, in my mind at least, more like what it truly was--Grant was not there. Grant had to be driven about an hour and a half away. Normally, a courier does that, but that was not the case in this instance. There was something so comforting about this for me as a mom. It was so difficult for me to let them take him away. I couldn't go and I didn't want any part of him to be alone. i know it sounds irrational and it probably is, but I am his mom. When Elena got home that night (she had not wanted to be there when he left), she asked about him and was very concerned about where he was. I told her who he was with and she sighed with relief and said almost excitedly, "Oh, well, good." She knew her brother was in good hands all around--his soul and his body. We could never thank our friend enough for all that he did for us during those days. It was possibly single most selfless kindness one can show to another. He cared for our precious cargo when we could not anymore. He and his wife also made the video for Grant's "Par-tay." We will love them til the day we die.

This is now the part I was talking about--the testing of our faith. We had to let him go. It was not as though we could've stopped it, but we had to say to God--you gave him to us for almost 9 years and now we give him back to you. We have never sent our children anywhere we haven't checked out for ourselves first. There is no door that we have sent them through that we have not first ourselves looked to see what lie behind it. But, we couldn't look first this time. We sent him into the presence of God and we've never been there. We had prepared him to go there. We had read scriptures about it and talked about what God tells us will be there, but we've never seen it with our own eyes. Until he died, neither one of us had ever questioned what we believed about heaven. But, in those first few days after his death and some since then, we have had to ask ourselves if we REALLY believe all of the things we've staked our lives upon. Does our brain believe what our heart tells us is true? As you can imagine, this has been quite a spiritual "gut check." As maybe as a testimony to the weakness of our faith, God has been gracious enough to give us individual tangible evidence that He is indeed REAL and He is in charge and He does have our Granty. What a great God we serve. He hasn't let us founder on this sea of grief. Our faith has been strengthened though our pain is not reduced.

"Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. 14We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him."

I Thessalonians 4:13-14

We do have HOPE. His name is Jesus. He made the way so that man could once again access God personally and enter eternity with Him. Because of sin entering the world with Adam, the Bible says we were separated from Him and in the end damned to hell to experience eternal separation from God (Romans 6:23, Revelation 20:15). But, Jesus offered redemption when he willingly died in our place and paid sin's penalty for us. Salvation was offered for us. It is a free gift and all we have to do is take it.

Grant was so desperately sad when he saw people mock Jesus or refuse to turn to Him. He watched, "The Gospel of John" movie many times and he wept at the scene where Jesus was crucified. He truly did love Him. He hated doing wrong. He was a normal child and he did tons of it in his day, but in those last months he wept bitterly when he felt as though he had made Jesus sad. How sweet it was and humbling it was as his parents to see his sensitive spirit. He understood who God was and saw glimpses of His glory in those last days. He now sees it in full! I Corinthians 13:11-13.

So, the conclusion of all this is; we believe God's Word, the Bible, is true--every word--possibly more now than we have ever before. Please keep praying for us and don't stop sending messages. I wish I could personally tell each one of you how much they've meant to us. We pray for you, we love you and we hope that when we get to heaven some day, we will see each and every one of you there. May God richly bless you. Thank you seems so inadequate.

P.S.We are still trying to get the memorial service on youtube. It's not as easy as we thought and we are also working on a blog so that if you feel like keeping us with us in the months to come, you can. For now, just write on here.