Regrets

"I should've been nicer to him." Jackson blurted this out one day last week as we sat down to lunch. He then very thoughtfully, not franticly said, "You told me I may not always have him around, but I didn't think it would really happen. But, it did. I should've been nicer."

Isn't that how it always is? In the light of hindsight, our correct course of action seems so clear. His thoughtfulness and sincerity were quite real; much beyond his age. He had obviously been dwelling on this for quite some time. My heart broke for him on so many levels. Every mother knows that when your child hurts, so do you. I didn't want him to hurt, especially when it was not totally within my power to fix this hurt, and further I hurt for him on a personal level for I, too, know the pain of regret. I have many times said, I should've reacted differently, I should've let Grant do this or that, I should've never left his side, even for a moment.



After a big sigh and holding back floods of tears for him and for me, I said, "Well, there are two lessons to take from this. One, it reminds us to capture our words before the exit our mouths. It is sometimes most difficult to do with those that we love the most because we see them all the time. But as we know, that may not always be the case. Second, we don't have to beat ourselves up because the real truth is that Grant doesn't care. He is not sitting in heaven missing us or ruminating about how we wronged him. He has been made perfect and is in God's presence and the only thing he is thinking is, 'This is amazing! I sure can't wait until my brother gets here!' A big smile came across his face and he went back to what he was doing.

I would say on most days I feel massively ill-equipped to deal with the hand I've been dealt. But, that is where God steps in and fills my gaps. He has never left my side during this torrential year and He promises He never will!