Countdown

As the countdown continues to the marking of Grant's "new birthday," we are all experiencing grief in different ways.  We are not consciously trying to mark time, but it is inevitable I guess.  Shawn and I see things that remind us of him at every turn and sometimes for seemingly no reason at all, we are overcome with sadness.  It comes in waves, some larger than others.  Tonight I was at a restaurant with the kids.  It had already been a difficult day for Elena and Jackson had had a rough night the night before.  Many tears and many emotions.  We had just sat down when we heard this little voice a few tables over from us.  "I wanna see me."  Each of us looked at each other and sighed.  We have the most adorable video of Grant from when he was about 2 or 3 where he said that over and over and over again in this high pitched little voice that he used to have.  He was saying it because he was fascinated by the video camera, particularly if he was in the shot!  He continuously wanted to see himself in the little window.  After he died, we watched that video together several times and cried and laughed.  He is everywhere--even at restaurants where he'd never actually been.  Jackson then said a few minutes later, "I sure do miss Grant.  Can't you just hear him?"  I knew exactly what he meant.  For indeed I've had that happen a lot lately.  It is sort of like the movies when a single event triggers a visual flashback.  Now I know why they do that.  It can happen!  How funny, right!  But seriously, I've experienced so many moments where I am reminded in vivid detail, as though I was there, of past events.  This has increased this month.  January of last year was one of the worst on record for our family as we knew for certain time was growing very short to our days as a family of five.  We are now entering the worst of those days and it has been very difficult.  I have to continuously remind myself that he suffers no more.  I wish he had never had to, but it was not up to me.  I wish I could have done it in his place, but again, not up to me.   It may sound very sadistic to you to say that it was up to God.  I can understand that from one angle.  He didn't cause it, but He did allow it.  I don't really know why.  I'm not sure it is for me to know.  Could He have just as easily not let him suffer?  Could He have healed him completely?  The answer to both questions is yes.  He absolutely could have.  Why didn't He?  I'm not sure.   But He is not a sadist.  He is not evil or a god far off, watching all of us down here flounder around in life.  How do I know this?  Because He said so.  It is not in His character.  He has proved it over and over.  We broke his covenant in the Garden of Eden and though He is just and He had to deliver the results or punishment for the broken covenant, which was death, He promised to right it all again.  And He did when He sent Jesus.   He paid our debt so that we didn't have to.  God told us why there is sickness, death, pain, & suffering in this world.  It is because of sin, but it will not always be that way and that is a reason to get out of bed for!  It is what keeps me going, keeps us going.  I may not always understand why events unfolded as they did but I know the God of the Universe loves me and loved Grant and He has promised to redeem all of "this!"  Don't be fooled into thinking we are in some kind of denial,  delayed grief, or are not experiencing all there is to losing one so dear.  We are!  It is awful.  It is messy.  It feels hopeless at times and it is often overwhelming.  It is everything you can imagine and then a little more.  BUT it will not last.  Grief may last the remainder of our lives, but it will not carry over into the next one.  Over and over God says He will wipe away every tear from our eyes.  No more sorrow!  No more sickness!  No more suffering!  We are by no means the only people suffering.  In fact, compared to those around the world, especially in light of the terrible disaster in Haiti, our suffering is so very light.  I have been so burdened for those precious people.  The mothers who lost not just one child, but several, the children who are hurt and no one can help, those who are unaware of where their loved ones are.  I cannot imagine.  My heart has ached so much this year; I cannot even conceive of the ache in the hearts of the people of Haiti.  But, God knows each and every person and heart that is hurting.  And He knows how to meet their needs.  And just as I saw Him do with Grant, He will do for those sweet people.  He knows when a sparrow falls to the ground.  How much more does He love those special people He created in His own image.

I'm including our list of God's character qualities that I've mentioned so many times on Grant's caringbridge website and in our blog.  I've put it on facebook before so some of you may already have it.  May God bless you and keep each and every one of you.

God is . . .
A-Almighty-- Jer. 50:34, Luke 1:37 (He can do all things)
B-Beautiful--Isa. 28:5, Is. 4:2
C-Comforter, Psalm 119:50
D-Defender--Jer. 50:34
E-Eternal--Jn. 8:58, Rev. 1:8 ; Emmanuel (God With Us) Matthew 1:23
F-Friend--Jn. 15:14, Jn. 15:15
G-Good--Ps. 100:5
H-Holy--Ps. 99:2
I-Invincible (beyond anything we can comprehend or believe)--Gen. 17:1
J-Just--Ps. 144:17
K-King(King of Kings)--Psalm 24:8, Jn. 18:37
L-Lord of Lords, Lamb of God--gosh, I love "L" --there are so many!--I Tim. 6:15, Jn. 1:29
M-Merciful--Ex. 34:6 ; (God) Most High (El Elyon) Genesis 14:18 (This means that God is sovereign and rules
                                                                                                 over heaven and earth)
N-Never leaves us or forsakes us--Heb. 13:5,6,15
O-Omnipresent (God is everywhere)--Jn 4:24
P-Prince of Peace--Isa. 9:5-7
Q-Quick to forgive-- Ps. 30:5
R-Redeemer--Jer. 50:34
S-Strong--Ps. 24:8
T-Truth--Jn. 14:6
U-Unable to fail you--I Chron. 28:20
V-Vine (Apart from Him we can do nothing)--Jn 15:1 ( I have a great book about explaining John to your kids)
W-Word that became flesh--Jn. 1:1
X-eXcellent--X is a tough one! I would love more suggestions!  Ps. 150:2
Y-Yahweh (the Self-Existent One)--He was, He is, and always will be!  Revelation 1:1-8
Z-Zealous--Jer. 31:3 He is Zealous for a relationship with us!