Matters of the heart

Well, it has been 7 weeks. I don't know what that's supposed to mean exactly, but there it is. As time has gone on the pain has increased in some ways and decreased in others. We are learning to function as a family of four--although this will not seem right for maybe ever, I imagine. I still look for him when I am gathering up "my chicks" when we're out somewhere and then I remember--I just have 2. The pain of this is intense and sometimes gets the best of me. Remembering is still quite painful--even the good things. They are all just vivid reminders that our "G-force" is no longer here and all memories of him will forevermore be in the past.

The kids are doing pretty well. There have been a few nightmares of the last few hours of Grant's life, moments of extreme sadness and difficulty in some stressful situations--all very normal for all that they have been through. We just take each day as it comes and because of home-schooling I have been able to work our days around the needs of the moment. Grief is funny and even funnier in children. It comes out in weird ways & at unexpected moments. Each of of them handles it in a different way. Although Shawn and I have remarked several times that we are so glad that Grant never had to experience a loss of anyone in our family. He couldn't have taken it. Grant often cried for people he'd never met that had died--and if anyone ever has ever said goodbye to him at the airport, you know the anguish he had over each departure. It was very good for the self-esteem! It was perfect though that he went ahead of us. He wasn't sad to leave. He told me he'd have a room for me in his mansion. That'll be just fine with me!

I will say letting him go was possibly the most difficult thing I (we) have ever done. (I am writing in the first person, but Shawn is sitting right beside me :) ) That most awful night for us, yet most glorious for Grant, was where our (as parents) true test of faith began. We knew he was going to die, but we had never really let our minds go there. When his body finally shut down and he took those last couple breaths, the most awful pain came over us and has not yet left to date. It is like a physical weight upon your chest. It is though our eyes had been opened to a world we had never seen before and there was no turning back. While he was in his final minutes, Shawn and I told him to let go, stop trying and run free. This was love-- because our hearts wanted him to stay here, but his freedom would only come with his departure. We kissed him about a thousand times and then it was time to do the thing I had dreaded for many months--we had to say our final goodbye. We had told him goodbye tons of times that day while he was still here, but it was now time to say goodbye to that sweet little shell that had housed his spirit for almost 9 years. I knew that it was just a shell, but I tell you, I loved that "shell." I had hugged it, kissed it, served it, loved it and cared for it all the days it was entrusted to me. There are some advantages of being in a small town--the undertaker or mortician happens to go to our church. He and his wife have served us many times up to this point and he had been in the church play with Elena and she adored him. The other kids were with friends at this point of the evening. We waited until late because Shawn's parents were driving in and we wanted them to say goodbye and also our neighborhood is full of kids that had lovingly prayed for Grant all these months and I didn't want them to see him leave our house. So anyway, our sweet friend came over in an SUV--I love that they have these now instead of a hearse. The grandmas and Shawn lovingly put on Grant's jammies. I couldn't do it. They put on his slippers and his hat that Shawn had knit him (I know, he can do anything :) ). We gave him his bunny and his blanket and Shawn was able to carry him out to the SUV. Our friend and his cousin very sweetly hid everything resembling a body bag and anything death like and they had the bed all ready for him. We kissed him again as we "tucked him in" one last time. He was still warm. I don't know why I remember that. Then Shawn ushered me off so that they could do what they had to do. And then, one of the many kindnesses showed to us on that night--our sweet friend told us that he would stay with Grant until he brought him back to us. We had decided to have Grant cremated. I just couldn't bear the thought of putting that sweet little body in the ground and leaving him there. I didn't really like the thought of cremation either, but it was, in my mind at least, more like what it truly was--Grant was not there. Grant had to be driven about an hour and a half away. Normally, a courier does that, but that was not the case in this instance. There was something so comforting about this for me as a mom. It was so difficult for me to let them take him away. I couldn't go and I didn't want any part of him to be alone. i know it sounds irrational and it probably is, but I am his mom. When Elena got home that night (she had not wanted to be there when he left), she asked about him and was very concerned about where he was. I told her who he was with and she sighed with relief and said almost excitedly, "Oh, well, good." She knew her brother was in good hands all around--his soul and his body. We could never thank our friend enough for all that he did for us during those days. It was possibly single most selfless kindness one can show to another. He cared for our precious cargo when we could not anymore. He and his wife also made the video for Grant's "Par-tay." We will love them til the day we die.

This is now the part I was talking about--the testing of our faith. We had to let him go. It was not as though we could've stopped it, but we had to say to God--you gave him to us for almost 9 years and now we give him back to you. We have never sent our children anywhere we haven't checked out for ourselves first. There is no door that we have sent them through that we have not first ourselves looked to see what lie behind it. But, we couldn't look first this time. We sent him into the presence of God and we've never been there. We had prepared him to go there. We had read scriptures about it and talked about what God tells us will be there, but we've never seen it with our own eyes. Until he died, neither one of us had ever questioned what we believed about heaven. But, in those first few days after his death and some since then, we have had to ask ourselves if we REALLY believe all of the things we've staked our lives upon. Does our brain believe what our heart tells us is true? As you can imagine, this has been quite a spiritual "gut check." As maybe as a testimony to the weakness of our faith, God has been gracious enough to give us individual tangible evidence that He is indeed REAL and He is in charge and He does have our Granty. What a great God we serve. He hasn't let us founder on this sea of grief. Our faith has been strengthened though our pain is not reduced.

"Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. 14We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him."

I Thessalonians 4:13-14

We do have HOPE. His name is Jesus. He made the way so that man could once again access God personally and enter eternity with Him. Because of sin entering the world with Adam, the Bible says we were separated from Him and in the end damned to hell to experience eternal separation from God (Romans 6:23, Revelation 20:15). But, Jesus offered redemption when he willingly died in our place and paid sin's penalty for us. Salvation was offered for us. It is a free gift and all we have to do is take it.

Grant was so desperately sad when he saw people mock Jesus or refuse to turn to Him. He watched, "The Gospel of John" movie many times and he wept at the scene where Jesus was crucified. He truly did love Him. He hated doing wrong. He was a normal child and he did tons of it in his day, but in those last months he wept bitterly when he felt as though he had made Jesus sad. How sweet it was and humbling it was as his parents to see his sensitive spirit. He understood who God was and saw glimpses of His glory in those last days. He now sees it in full! I Corinthians 13:11-13.

So, the conclusion of all this is; we believe God's Word, the Bible, is true--every word--possibly more now than we have ever before. Please keep praying for us and don't stop sending messages. I wish I could personally tell each one of you how much they've meant to us. We pray for you, we love you and we hope that when we get to heaven some day, we will see each and every one of you there. May God richly bless you. Thank you seems so inadequate.

P.S.We are still trying to get the memorial service on youtube. It's not as easy as we thought and we are also working on a blog so that if you feel like keeping us with us in the months to come, you can. For now, just write on here.